Truth be told, this post has been on my mind for quite some time. As I near the mark of being a stay-at-home mom for as long as I was a working mom, I feel like it’s time to share some insight and lessons learned from both sides.
“vs” Is Really What It Feels Like
I don’t think anyone really means for it to be a “vs” situation or an “us against them,” because I like to think that most people have good intentions. Maybe that’s naive of me, but that’s just who I am.
When deciding what’s best for your family, you may consider finances, insurance, childcare expenses, time (something there never seems to be enough of for anyone), family priorities, and you know what…you may actually want to work and enjoy your career! Nothing wrong with that either!
It seems natural to assume that whatever you’re doing is the best way. And you know what, you’re probably right. For you. People choose to work part-time, have a career, stay home, stay home and work for all kinds of reasons, but they’re unique to that family and situation.
There’s been several good things written and shared about all being on “team mom” and encouraging each other no matter our employment status, but mamas, we still have so far to go. I don’t want this to be a wah wah wahhhh discussion or make anyone feel bad, but I think there are things we can all do (or not do) to truly help each other out.
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Stay-at-Home Moms vs Working Moms and how to encourage BOTH – PDF Version
The entire post is here and available for you, but it’s a long read. If it’s more convenient, you can purchase the PDF File for only $5. This way, you can print it out and have it available anytime you need it or to share with a friend.
Being a stay-at-home mom is not a vacation. Working full-time was certainot a break.
I’ve Been Both
Now that I’ve spent equal sides on both sides of this, I can tell you with certainty, they are both hard. Wonderful, but challenging.
Working Mom
When we got married, our plan was for my husband to become a Physical Therapist and for me to work until we had kids and then “retire” while they were young. HA. It’s a long story, but that’s not even close to what happened.
When our oldest daughter was born in 2016, we were still trying to figure out how to roll with some punches we’d been dealt and I knew that it would be impossible for me to not go back to work. I was blessed with an unheard of 18 weeks of maternity leave and caregivers who loved our daughter as one of their own, but, going back to work was the hardest thing I’d ever done and it took a huge toll on my mental health.
I remember one time a close friend was watching our daughter because our regular caregiver was out of town. As she settled in, she asked me “what time does she take a nap?” A simple enough question. But I didn’t know the answer. I burst into uncontrollable tears. I was her mother, how could I not know when she regularly took naps?
I was overcome with guilt, especially as a first-time mom, and some days, the pain seemed excruciating and unbearable. I’d be lying if I told you that thinking about this stage of our life isn’t making emotional right now. It was hard.
On top of all of that, 2016 was the lowest point in our marriage so far. My husband was extremely unhappy in his work at the time and worked 2nd shift (3pm-11:30pm). To describe us as glorified roommates at this stage wouldn’t be inaccurate. We hardly ever saw each other, and when we did, we weren’t at our best.
Over time, things did improve – we found a groove that worked for our family, my husband found the work of his dreams in youth ministry, and I learned to better cope with my stress and guilt.
Stay-at-Home Mom
When our second daughter was born at the end of 2018, we were blessed to be in a different situation altogether that allowed me to be the stay-at-home mom I wanted to be. And even though this is what I wanted, it’s still hard.
A Rocky Start
I had a little bit of a hard time transitioning into this new role. After all, I was used to working during the day with one child, and now, I was home during the day with two. We were in a new house and a new city with new people.
I remember waking up in a near-panic whenever the baby said it was time to get up. I felt like I only had a few hours to do ALL of the things, because that was what I was used to. I’d been so used to squeezing in as much life as I could in the evenings (family time, chores, other obligations) that it felt unnatural to have all day. (Now, when I say “all day” don’t all you stay-at-home mamas throw darts at me, I know you’re busy and it can be tricky ❤).
Thankfully, the transition stage didn’t last near as long as when I returned to work after our first daughter was born, but there was definitely still that adjustment stage when I felt constantly overwhelmed and like I didn’t know what I was doing.
Not Every Day Is Magical
There are days when I feel totally unstoppable, like I can do anything. These days (most of them, thankfully), the girls get along, I’ve accomplished what I wanted to around the house, and we enjoy our time working and playing together.
My days as a stay-at-home mom are not all unicorns and rainbows (except, little girls love unicorns and rainbows, so I do have quite a few around 😉). Some days, I want to run away. I feel like I’ll explode if I hear “mommy…?” in a whiny voice just one more time. I want time to myself.
Leaving my corporate career has allowed me to be more flexible with my time, which has given me the opportunity to write, blog, and teach indoor cycling classes. Personally, doing these things has helped me to stay me during this stage of life. But just because I can be a bit more flexible doesn’t mean that I’m not busy or “don’t work.”
Pushing Away Regrets
A part of me is deeply saddened by the fact that I now have all this time with our youngest daughter that I didn’t have with our oldest. And truthfully, I think I’ll always feel that way, at least a little bit. But thinking back, I was an extremely anxious first-time mom and I don’t think I really even realized how much so at the time. I can say with certainty that I am enjoying this time now in a way that I wouldn’t have a few years back, and I am most definitely more grateful and appreciative of it.
Instead of focusing on what I did not have or was not able to do, I try to remind myself that I had nearly two years home with both of my daughters before the oldest started school. And even then, “school” right now is Pre-K til 11:30am…so, we still have the bulk of the day.
All Moms Work
Yup, you read that right, all moms work. Some may work in the home, some out of the home, some a mixture of the two…but all work.
For simplicity’s sake, when I say stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I’m referring to those who do not have regularly scheduled work hours (either in or out of the home). Working Moms (not in love with that description, but bear with me) have regularly scheduled corporate or local employment either in or out of the home.
Before I go further, I do not want you to feel guilty about choosing to work outside the home or not. That is for you and your spouse to decide. You may have a choice at this point in your life, but, you may also not. Whatever situation you’re in, don’t let anyone look down on you or make you feel like you “did it wrong.” You, mama, are doing what is best for your family right now.
What Not to Say Moms
Confession: I actually had a whole section of things not to say to working or stay-at-home moms – hurtful things that had actually been said to me.
But, as you can see, it’s not here. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that repeating those things wouldn’t help anyone. In fact, they may actually hurt all over again and do more harm to others than good.
That’s not who I want to be or the goal of my writing. So, suffice it to say, be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Even if your intentions are good, it may not need to be said.
How to Encourage Working Moms
Working moms are trying to do all the things of motherhood plus all the things of their careers. Free-time is short, time with family is precious, and priorities keep her grounded. Here’s a few ideas on how to encourage the working moms you know.
Compliment Her.
Does anyone genuinely not like being complimented or noticed? I mean, they may be out there, but I don’t think I know them. A kind word can totally change someone’s day. Working moms are no exception.
Notice how she balances all the things, how she’s valued at work, how she’s able to maintain her home, how well-behaved her kids are, and yeah, maybe even tell her her hair looks nice (my Grandma’s favorite silly compliment).
Plan some playdates/outings she can actually attend.
When I worked, it was disheartening that all of the playdates/mothers day outs/park days were during my work day. It made me feel like an outsider or somehow like I was less of a mom. The working moms may still not be able to attend evening/weekend events, but not having everything in the middle of the workday at least allows them more of an opportunity.
Offer to help if babysitting arrangements fall through.
This means the world to a working mom. If someone you know needs childcare unexpectedly and you are able to help, that reduces a working mom’s stress immeasurably.
Even just letting a working mom know that she can call you if something happens reminds her that she doesn’t have to do this all by herself and that she has people willing and able to help in her corner. It truly does take a village.
How to Encourage Stay-at-Home Moms
Yes, stay-at-home moms need encouragement too! Being a mom in general can feel very thankless and isolating, especially if she is home alone with children the majority of the time.
Compliment Her.
Yup, same here – give that mama some encouragement with a compliment. Don’t try telling me my hair looks nice though during this stage of life – ponytails for the win, haha.
Offer to let her run errands alone.
Ah, sweet alone time, even if it’s just to the grocery store. Now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, alone time is my love language. When our youngest daughter was a newborn, I had several sweet ladies volunteer to sit with the kiddos while I ran errands or to appointments. Not having to worry about getting kids in/out of carseats feels like a vacation all on its own!
Don’t hold her to a different standard.
Yes, stay-at-home moms often times have a greater level of flexibility, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t busy or overwhelmed already. Don’t expect her to be able to help with all the projects, teach all the classes, or attend all the events just because she “doesn’t work.” She works. Encourage and give her support in the things that she feels like she can add to her plate, but don’t set the bar a different height just because of what you think she can (or should be able to) handle.
What ALL Moms Know
Some things, regardless of work status are the same for every mom.
There’s Never Enough Time
No matter if you work, stay home, are busy, stare lovingly at your children all day, are playful, or soak up all the snuggles…there is just never enough time.
Time flew when I worked full-time outside of the home. My daughter grew up so fast.
Time flew when I was home with them all day. My daughters continued to grow up so fast.
Whenever someone shares about their child’s birthday, it’s usually coupled with “how is he/she already…?” or “I can’t believe he/she is…?” It seems like time sneaks up on us all, regardless of employment status.
I guess that’s just part of the beautiful tragedy of motherhood. There is never enough time.
Motherhood Has Seasons
When I wrote “It’s Not My Turn,” I was feeling overwhelmed with wanting to do and accomplish certain things, but not having the time or resources. I realized that it just wasn’t my season. Actually, if I remember right, I was wishing for a luscious backyard that looked like a Lowe’s commercial like my parents had…but with babies…well, mostly DOGS, it’s just not my time.
I’d already had the season of singleness and independency. I had had the season of newlywedded bliss. Lord willing, I look forward to the season of retirement and having grandbabies to love on. But right now, it’s not my turn for those things.
Each season has its own blessings…and challenges.
Having littles is hard at times, but so is worrying about teenagers and young adults.
We’re Doing Our Best
Like I said, I believe most people have good intentions much of the time. And I believe that the majority of mothers are truly doing their best. We are not perfect, but we’re trying.
When someone makes the choice to work outside the home or not, remember that they are doing what is best for their family at that time. You don’t know what happens or what the needs are behind closed doors. Be mindful of your words.
Moms, extend the same grace to one another, because we’re all in the trenches right now.
The Ultimate Mom
Many of you have probably heard of the “virtuous woman” found in Proverbs 31:10-31. If not, here is what is said about her:
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Check out all that this woman does – she’s a faithful wife, she cares for her household, she provides meals, she does manual labor, she’s a business woman, she works long hours, she is creative and sews clothing and decorative items, she teaches, she speaks wisely, she has a good reputation, she is worthy of praise.
Wow, that’s a lot to live up to, right?
Whether you work outside the home or not, a “mom” wears several different hats, not unlike the woman mentioned above.
If you’re struggling, reach out to some more experienced moms. I love hearing how older women handled situations I’m currently dealing with – it gives me hope and reassurance. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).
For many moms, their employment status can be a sensitive subject filled with all kinds of conflicting emotions. Whether she is a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, season your words with love and grace. Encourage her.
$5.00
Stay-at-Home Moms vs Working Moms and how to encourage BOTH – PDF Version
The entire post is here and available for you, but it’s a long read. If it’s more convenient, you can purchase the PDF File for only $5. This way, you can print it out and have it available anytime you need it or to share with a friend.
